Escaping the Midlife Slough of Despond: Hope for Homeschooling Moms

By: Chrissie Ankerberg

In John Bunyan’s classic, A Pilgrim’s Progress, the main character, Christian, finds himself sinking in the Slough of Despond shortly after leaving the City of Destruction, a city doomed to God’s judgement. The book serves as a beautiful allegory of the Christian life and the Slough personifies the confusion and distress that often follows a courageous decision made in faith-filled obedience—a place where difficult circumstances might tempt you to turn back toward what your Spirit-guided conscience clearly prompted you to leave. Although Christian slugs through the Slough before his sin is forgiven at the cross, we may also face the Slough later on in our journey—an interpretation Bunyan leaves open to us.

In the Slough, Christian encounters Pliable, a character especially relatable to those still crawling out of the fog of post-modernism. Pliable, with his open mind and flexible thinking, reminds Christian that the path is too difficult and he isn’t making progress toward his goal – joy –  so it’d be best to turn around.

If Christian knew his Bible, can you imagine the things running through his mind? “Maybe he’s right, proceeding on this path is a little extreme. This book does say to remain where I’m called (1 Cor. 7:24). Did I really need to leave the City of Destruction and my family? I could have just prayed for it (Jer. 29:7).”

Christian convictions can be simple to work out when they are clear moral commands. In areas of Christian wisdom and calling, however, our Pliable can become a vicious enemy waging a mental nuclear war that feels impossible to escape. For me, this reality has been most acute in the area of homeschooling.

My decision to leave work in my late 30’s was complex, driven in part by circumstances, but also a desire to know my kids and make room for the possibility of adoption. While the decision was initially hard, I felt confident that it was Spirit-led. So, I left it with a sense of joy and anticipation. Plus, I figured I could always turn back if things didn’t work out.

That plus is my Pliable.

In your 20’s, steps taken in conviction can be exhilarating. Course-correcting from your parents’ couch isn’t so bad! Later, with kids, mortgages, and aging parents, course-correcting can feel like parking your minivan in the compact car spot – a theoretically possible task, but one that requires a lot to go right and has big consequences if miscalculated.

This trapped feeling – where solutions seem just out of reach when life gets hard – leads me to seek from the Lord answers and reassurance around past decisions that are too marvelous for me (Ps. 131:1). It leaves me like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind (James 1:6), as I reevaluate the past over and over again in my mind, wondering if perhaps those convictions were a bit extreme at best, maybe even wrong.

And so, I sink into my Slough.  

Today, in the area of homeschooling, Pliable reminds me that plenty of Christians enjoy excellent schools and that their children turn out well, probably much godlier than my own! Pliable reminds me that working is godly and would bring in money so I could finally buy some much-needed new furniture. Pliable distracts me from my present reality, always pointing the way out of my circumstances when things aren’t going well. It leaves me reevaluating my prior decisions, searching for jobs I can’t have, daydreaming about “real” kindergarten classrooms, and assuming the worst for my children because of my homeschool mistakes or poor life choices.

Having flexibility in your thinking isn’t bad. Course correcting is a beautiful freedom the Lord gives (Proverbs 15:12). However, when the “freedom” to change course becomes your burden, how do you fight Pliable’s lie that you can chart your child’s path to “success?”

When you’re sinking in the slough, GRAB for God.

1. Give God your failures. As John Piper explains in his exposition of 2 Corinthians 12:7, failures could be due to personal weaknesses, but also opposition from others. This can feel like an all too present reality for homeschooling moms, as children often oppose our instruction and we’re constantly trying to keep up with changing ages and stages of academic and developmental needs. To our failures, the Lord says that his grace is sufficient, and the gospel covers the sins that sometimes result when we do fail.
2. Repent of ungodly regret. When days are hard, it’s easy to regret our decisions or question whether or not we understood God properly in our convictions. When the hearts of your children seem hardened to you or your instruction, or your attempts to make improvements fall short, remember that this does not mean God didn’t lead you to where you are. Instead, allow the Spirit to grow your dependence on Christ (Philippians 3:13-14), who promises to work all things to good.
3. Ask the Lord for your next step of faithful living. This could be a listening ear from a wise friend. It could be a little tweak to your day or year. It could actually be a change of course. But, ask the Lord to sovereignly direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6) and then walk.
4. Believe that God has something better than what you can see and hope that He’ll be glorified through the steps of faithful obedience you have taken while seeking him. In Hebrews 11, after walking us through a sometimes morally questionable list of faithful saints, the writer pauses to remind us we must believe that He rewards those who diligently seek him (Heb. 11:6). To defeat Pliable in the Slough, remind him that you walk by faith, not by sight. Set your eyes first on the eternal (2 Corinth. 4:18) and then on what is before you that day.

When you fall into the midlife Slough and cannot find firm ground, you can GRAB onto the unfailing love and promises of God (Psalm 94:18-19).

Escape the Slough Reflection questions